The Break-up
I have been eating junk food and crying for several weeks now, it feels like a bad break-up. It feels like that old lie, if you just love him enough, if you just put in the effort, he will see it and love you back and everything will be alright. Then a few years down the road, you like him less than when you met, the relationship makes you unhappy, you still don't want to give up because you have put all this emotion and work into it. With whom am I breaking up? My chemical engineering degree; and I have invested so much. I have sacrificed part of my health, relationships with others, spirituality and my late 20s for this degree, and I am getting no love back. What would I have liked back from it? Time to take care of myself and my relationships, just a little freedom. Unfortunately, it acts like a domineering boyfriend who is way too jealous. It isolates me, and dictates how I should act at all times. So, I need to tell myself, I am not really missing him, I am just missing the idea of what I thought he'd be like. Oh, another thing that is very true but does not feel true at all that I used to tell myself when there were break-ups: If you thought he was wonderful and now you can see he is not the one, just imagine what God has in store for you as "the one". It has to be even more amazing. So I am trying to hold on to that.
Comparison to the Stereotype
Similarities
I feel a bit like a stereotype, because I am starting a blog to chart my trepidatious journey through one of the most hated decades of life. It is like women have the whole midlife-crisis thing approximately 10 years earlier than men. We wake-up one day in our 30s and realise that this is not all we have dreamed of as a child. We feel like we have lost our way because society dictated the reasonable way to live. We feel like we thought the 20s would last a bit longer than it did. We thought we'd have it all figured out by this age.
Differences
Lucky/unlucky for me, unlike the lady in "Eat, Pray, Love", I don't have to get a divorce and go on a spiritual journey to some monastery. As for the eat part, I got that down pat...perhaps I should slow down on that, as I'm already being told by doctors to lose weight because of health risks such as diabetes and high blood pressure. As for the pray part, my journey is a journey, but I am on my way and happy. A few years ago I had a week away from everything to sort out my life, at exactly the right time, and I believe I have found the Creator God who loves me as His creation. I have a wonderful relationship with my Saviour, Jesus Christ. I am an Anglican, but not bound to that denomination by any means, and often attend other types of churches. I am also open to learning about other people's spiritual journeys (in fact I love learning about others' deepest thoughts and motivations), but I will have my opinion and expect to be respected as I respect others. As for the love part, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MARRIED! I have found my soul mate; a rare and special occurrence indeed. I used to lie to myself with other boyfriends; telling myself that this is the one; but I can totally see the difference now. I can do another blog about that; but suffice to say for now that you have a peace and happiness, and he will have a tenderness and patience that lasts.
Conclusion
So then, if I got all that down, what is the problem you ask? Well, career and children mostly. I have no idea what will make me happy. In fact, I am most likely quitting my chemical engineering studies in January and starting a different degree. By the way, this will be my 3rd attempt at a new degree in the last 10 years. Yes, I have been registered as a student at the same university for 10 years, most of that time being full-time. I also have no children yet; and my significant other and I oscillate on an hourly basis between wanting children and not wanting children and how many. Some people say if it is meant to happen, then birth control will be no barrier to the happy event...I am just so confused.
Life Changing Events in the Near Future:
- 13 December 2014: Getting married to the man of my dreams
- 15 January 2015: Changing what I do full-time (cut-off date for big decisions on studies and career for the year)
- 30 July 2015: Turning 30 years old
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